Current Issue

 

Improving The Zoo

For over 20 years, I have been telling everyone how to make USAFA better. Sure, some of those suggestions had to do with napalm and salt, but some of them almost made sense. Current discussions about service academies have been kicked up because some Canoe U. English teacher got his panties in a bunch.

Well, okay, as a Grad, and a professional shit-disturber, here are my suggestions for enhancing the Air Force Academy, en toto:

- Ditch all NCAA sports. We can compete in intercollegiate activities, but they have to be totally cool, by which I mean sweet. And, preferably, made up. Like the rollerball thing, from that one movie the name of which I forget. Or Whackbat. Or Jugging. Or curling. Offer free passes to anyone who signs up to contend in any contact sports, especially those dealing in combat.

- Marksmanship, gunnery, and generally all-around more military stuff. And by military stuff, I don't mean the 18th-century military, or the play-military, but the military that blows shit up.

- Speaking of which, get rid of the travesty that is the rubber-ducky guns. Hand out real guns, guns the kids would use in a combat zone. Like, say, M-16s. If you can't trust 'em with real guns, then they shouldn't be at the Academy. Also, distribute Kevlar. Let them wear it to class.

- Moreover, kill marching. It's stupid. It's worse than stupid: it's useless, and it's a waste of time better spent doing useful military stuff.

- Like playing video games. Yeah, we all know that unmanned ships are the future of the USAF (if there is a future of the USAF)...so video games are the way to prep for flying them. Especially tedious, long games, with no visceral payoff. Something from the Myst people should do the trick.

- Unisex bathrooms, that include shower stalls with doors. We're going to be mixing genders and orientations and...get used to it. But give cadets a fragment of dignity, a shred, just something they can use to get their heads above water.

- Bring back the Dodo. Hardcore needs some funny.

- Allow those under 21 to drink on base. Less DUIs, alcohol incidents off base.

- Allow sex in the dorms. Duh.

- End all formal religious activities. They are not allowed to have motorcycles for four years, they can live without ghost-whisperers. We already abrogating their free speech, assembly, press, reasonable search, and petition-for-redress rights-- there is no reason whatsoever we cannot attenuate their religious rights in the interest of unit morale, order, and good discipline.

- Ditch the Internet firewall; either they can be trusted to look at stuff, or they shouldn't be at the Academy.

That's all I can think of, off the top of my head. This is not an exhaustive list, by any stretch. But it would help a LOT.

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